Let me start off by saying, I can’t believe I am about to get this honest. Do I have your attention? I hate mirrors. I have one in every bathroom in my home. I have them in my car. And when it is dark, my windows act as mirrors. I have hated mirrors for a long time. I have struggled with that reflection for most of my life. I have felt not good enough, not pretty enough, not thin enough, just not enough. I started having skin issues when I was a teenager and it is still there. Scars line my arms, as do new areas that come around. My chest bares this as well as my back and shoulders. These are the areas that no one sees. These are the areas that are only seen by myself and the mirrors. I see stretch marks that are from up and down weight issues that I have been dealing with for years. Also the stretch marks on my legs from an accident that made me unable to play tennis for over 6 months when I was 17. Back up to the face that still has acne…hello, does my skin realize that I am almost 39 not 16!!! And lastly the hair. The hair that is more temperamental than me! Depends on the weather, static or just because will lead to either leaving it down or putting it on a bun. The bun normally wins:).
Why did I just reveal all of this on a blog? I am wondering the same thing. It is not to lavish hate on myself or to ask for pity. I am writing this because what I see is so distorted by the descriptions of this world. Over the years, I have let the world define who I am and what I should be. But, that isn’t who I am!
God has a whole different view about me! He has one of all of us! If you have questions about it, read Psalm 139. We are fearfully and wonderfully made by God. He knew everything about you and I before we were born. He made us with His hands. He sees beauty when He looks at us. He sees strength, courage, heart, spirit, but most of all, He sees love. In fact He loves us so much that He sent His only Son to die for us so we can be with Him for eternity (John 3:16). God has standards that are way above anything in this world can offer! There is so much more in His love letter to us that lets us know just how precious we are to Him.
This is what makes looking in the mirror, as I am now, easier. Will I still struggle with the body issues, yes because I am still human. But instead of the harsh words, I will choose to start repeating the following to that image. I am strong! I am brave! I am a warrior! I am loved! I am a temple of the Holy Spirit! I have the fruits of the Spirit in me! I will not be ruled by the things of this world! God has made me this way and He has done the same for everyone who may read this. Believe this! Live loved! You’ve got this because He’s got you!
It is 11:30 at night and I am sitting here in my chair, staring at my phone crying. Mourning over the loss of something I never got to experience. I know that God’s plan for my life is more than I can ever imagine, but never getting to be pregnant and have a child is something I still mourn every now and again. Someday I will write a blog post that goes deeper into my journey, but right now I just want and need to feel this. It isn’t easy to look on IG and FB and not feel a little sad for what never was. Don’t get me wrong, I am always happy and ecstatic for people when they are having their babies and I love being a part of their lives. The people who have been down my road understand. There are times I wish God would have given me one chance to become pregnant and go through that whole experience. I just have to remember Proverbs 3:5-6 and trust in God and in His ways. I think it is time for me to go to bed and hug my fur babies and love on them like a fur mama does:). Thank you for reading this:).
I have tried this blogging thing before by writing one post and then not doing anymore with it. I have began a renewed relationship with God in the last year and a half. It started when I found a book online by Nicki Koziarz called, “The 5 Habits of a Woman Who Doesn’t Quit.” It was being used a an online Bible study through Proverbs 31 ministries. This book changed the trajectory of my life. My grandmother died in October of 2014 and I knew that I wanted to start going back to church and reading my Bible again. She was a woman filled with such faith and a gentle spirit that I wanted it. She was a beautiful example of what it means to completely follow and trust God with everything. So when I began to participate in the Bible study, I found women around the world doing this study as well. I began to feel like I belonged to something. I began to feel like a community. This has continued to be the way I feel. Getting to know these women through Bible study after Bible study and life experiences has made me feel as though I am a part of something so much bigger than myself. Since then, I have been a part of multiple studies and have gained such a respect for women and where they are in life and they have gotten to see where I have been.
I have also been a part of multiple launch teams, which I love! Getting to help respected authors get their books known and out in the world is such a privilege and blessing for me. When I was growing up, I used to read all the time. When I was grounded, I didn’t care because I would have a stack of books by my bed and read all of them! I have found that joy in reading again. I have also desired to be an author. I don’t know if that is what God has in store for me, but He will let me know.
Over the last few months, I have been on a new journey with God that has included writing out my devotionals and putting my own twists on them on my social media pages. This has been something to not only discuss with others, but it has also held me accountable in my walk. I have been getting up one hour early everyday and given it to Him. #wordbeforeworld that was started by Well-Watered Women has become a mantra of sorts in my walk with God. I have also been listening to podcasts that have reminded me that I am not alone in this world and they have helped to deepen my walk with Christ.
Thank you for reading:) I’ve got this because He’s got me!!